I'm going to skip out on the boring things like where I grew up, which school I went to, favourite music, T.V. and films, websites or activities. I very much doubt you're interested.
Instead, please allow me to introduce the two conditions that rule over my life. Please welcome to the stage, High Functioning Anxiety/Depression, and ARVC!
High functioning anxiety is a barrel of laughs, if you happen to enjoy watching people deteriorate into a quivering mess every so often. Imagine if you will, continuously being in two minds about everything, and being certain about them both. A common example of this, is in regards to a partner, I am completely comfortable that my partner is faithful and loves me very much, I know this to be a fact, however, I am also acutely aware that she hates me and would leave me the second I give her a chance.
The rational, and logical (high functioning) part of my brain can plainly see that she has been with me three years, and has stood by me through thick and thin. The anxious part of my brain sees every little tick, thinks of every conceivable fluctuation, and creates scenarios that seem so logically sound that it's inconceivable to think that they could possibly be wrong.
My brain is at war.
It has it's benefits of course... a constant, unending fear of failure and poverty help me to strive for success. It's the screaming fits and panic attacks that really make life difficult, I can be convinced those I care deeply about are lying to me, refusing to listen, or taking advantage of me, then it's those people who bear the brunt of these things.
It takes all of my energy to hold it together during my 40+ hours of work a week constantly striving for distraction or to better myself, the business, or anything I can. More because I want to distract myself than because I care (and I actually care about the company I work for a lot. they're great people with a great cause at the core of the business.) so take the time to look at me. you might see I've been wearing the same jeans for a week, a t-shirt I picked off the floor, perhaps I haven't showered that day, for a couple of days, or even that week, I pick at my fingers and bite my lips and cheeks, sometimes until they bleed, and there have been times I don't stop then. I'll grow my beard, shave it off, shave the sides of my hair, it's all just signs of somebody not content.
There is never a moment I'm comfortable - always thinking of something else that I need to do, how there are never enough hours in the day, it exhausts me - so I sleep. I waste more valuable time by being to tired to do anything. This constant barrage of never ending, amaranthine paranoia leads to depression.
It is not a fun way to live at all, I worry about things I've done, and things I still need to do, and even though I throw out a persona of thinking I'm better than everyone, it's just a way of hiding how inferior I often feel. Even the smallest things can bring my world tumbling down, I woke up late for to let an engineer look at the fire alarm in my flat, which meant I spent the whole day in bed watching crap on the internet, even though I was supposed to go to a party that evening. I found out everyone had a lovely time and I feel incredibly guilty for not going.
I want to better myself, but even that comes with it's problems. how do I know when I'm succeeding if I can't take praise? when I was very young, I was told I was amazing, top of my class, a star student, but the only one left out when the popular girl threw a party for the whole class. I didn't understand the concept of banter until I was 15... I just felt bullied. I never had to work for my grades and passed everything, teachers and family told me I was fantastic, until A levels when I didn't work at it because "I didn't need to" and failed them all. Any praise I get, no matter how well meaning, and genuine, always feels hollow. "where they really happy with what I did?" "can I really take the credit for that?" "I found that easy, even if you found it hard your praise feels sarcastic" "I worked too hard on that, I pushed myself too far and I know I messed something up, they just haven't found it yet"
thoughts that are spinning through my head. It's like my fight or flight response is constantly on because everything is an emotional or physical threat.
Speaking of fight or flight response: on to ARVC.
ARVC or Arrhythmogenic right ventricular cardiomyopathy, is
a condition that effects the muscular structure inside the heart. I managed to
avoid thinking about it for almost three years since it was diagnosed, I had
too much to worry about, now though, after seeing an ultrasound scan, and now
feel incredibly vulnerable. ARCV causes part of the heart that is usually made
up of muscle fibres is replaced by fat or scar tissue, essentially weakening
the layers of the heart and can lead to a whole host of things. I've lifted
some text from here to explain exactly what that entails.
"People affected by ARVC may develop symptoms of heart
failure because the ventricle becomes weak. This results in fatigue, shortness
of breath and swelling in the legs and abdomen.
Having ARVC also predisposes an individual to arrhythmias
–abnormally fast rhythms originating from the bottom chambers of the heart.
These ventricular arrhythmias may cause someone to experience palpitations,
feel dizzy, pass out, or even die suddenly."
So. I have both ARVC a condition that is dangerous should my
heart beat too fast, and High functioning anxiety/depression, meaning I'm
always on edge.
What a fantastic combinaton.
